Can’t keep me down

Crohn’s Disease never fails to surprise and horrifying me with new symptoms.  This week’s adventure includes severe cramping, another call in at work, and the worst an actual sore on my backside.  Can’t even go into that with my honey.  Even though we can discuss anything with him having IBS…I do still actually want him to have a chance of thinking of me as attractive.

Anyway.  Labor Day weekend brings me some days off.  I’m actually going to get off this citoploram, darn it.  Since I had forgotten it was a holiday weekend, turns out Ken has some time off also.  I’m trying to figure out how I can best use my time while I’ll also be battling with the effects of getting off the medicine.  It makes it, for one thing, very difficult to drive. 

Well it’s a few days later now and that vacation was used for nothing other than what I asked it off for. I do feel much better now though. 

Having found out that it was my boss that started all the drama at work, I had thought my mission of trying to make myself enjoy my job again was impossible.  Then I think of all the attempts people make and fail to do something, change something, create something, and I realize that this is a change like that.  It’s going to take repeated attempts, I’ve failed hundreds of times already.  I continue to try different ways of achieving joy in my work but so far I’ve only gone in the opposite direction.

So…what have I not tried?  Perhaps I was most happy when I was just starting out and then when I was trying to get full time and then when I was trying to get to be the head decorator..Maybe it’s the challenge that’s motivation?  Or competing?  Constantly learning?  I sure can’t say I have no challenge now, unless an impossible goal doesn’t count as a challenge.  Because my goal is to complete all the decorator tasks each day and that, well, that would take three work days for each actual day.  I doubt my motivation is the learning in itself, at least in this case.  Back at subway, learning all areas of management was my motivation.  Here at Publix though I feel like learning is frowned upon.  Surely not intentionally but when I get made fun of for taking classes for decorating outside of work, am denied the compensation for a spanish language class I wanted to take, and am scolded for reading our product knowledge papers too long….I’m scared of learning not motivated.

That leaves competing.  I can compete.  I’m good at competing.  Perhaps this could be what I need.  I’ll try this starting tomorrow.  I bet I can get more customer compliments than anyone in that bakery.  I bet I can manage better than my managers.  I bet I can have the best attendance of anyone in that bakery.  I bet I can make people laugh more than anyone in that bakery.  I bet I can become more knowledgeable about the whole bakery than anyone in the district.  I got this.  It’s definitely worth a shot. 

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I’m going to get myself as pumped up tonight as possible, set myself a few specific areas where I want to compete with others (whether they know it or not), and then get my butt in there tomorrow and kick their ass!

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