Ahh, a day off. I’m going to stay in bed a few extra hours today!
I am thinking about different times in my life that I remember being happier. I want to dig into them a little today. Perhaps I can figure out what made those parts the best and from there how to bring those things into the present?
Okay well the first was the day we got the beagles. I was in the front yard gardening. It was sunset. I was weeding around the grey ghost plants. I was beyond ecstatic when my mom came out and said we were getting a dog. Shocked that my mom was going to go against my step dad’s wishes this hardcore though… I still remember it was May 28th.
The second was the period when my mom up and disappeared when I was 16. Sounds crazy I know, but the sudden freedom acquired was just what I wanted. It left me free to live where and how I wanted.
The third was just this last year. I had bought an awesome house, found my soul mate, and still liked my job.
The theme that pops out here is freedom and independence. Do I not have that now?
Technically, yes. I suppose I could quit my job and find another. I guess if I changed my mind on the house I bought I could sell it this September. I suppose if I wanted to move somewhere, anywhere, at anytime, Ken would come. Yeah now that I break it down, I do have freedom and I am as independent as I wish to be. It’s messed up how your mind can get stuck on one single detail. For example, it didn’t occur to me until I was writing this that selling my house is a viable option. It’s not exactly a matter of changing anything physically to change my mood in this way. I need to change the way I think. I need to take into account the whole picture and more possible solutions even for the smallest problems. I need to realize consciously that my mind will try to block things by putting up it’s own roadblocks. If something isn’t working then it’s time to change it.
I realize now that all these times were the times I was most focused on the present. My feelings weren’t bogged down with guilt from being better off than a girl in the Middle East. I wasn’t spending time regretting my past mood swings. I kept myself busy and was trying new things constantly. When I used to like my job, it was new and exciting still. I was full of optimistic ideas about how to care for and train the dog. I was at peace with who I was at that time and with God’s timing in my life. Right now I’m wrapped up in guilt and worry about past, present, and future; my past anger, my present laziness, my future with Ken (can I possibly be half the wife this guy deserves?). What can I do about this? Plastering the motto Be Here Now all over my life isn’t exactly fixing this. It’s made hella difference sure, but it didn’t take the feelings of near-terror from creeping in and stopping me in my tracks.
This one is quite a bit more complicated. That’s probably a huge part of the issue right there.
I said I was going to streamline my life and I know it will help. If I just take care of the mental portion of it right now then I imagine that would leave me much more brain to stay in the present. I can simplify my budget so I’m not budgeting daily but still following one, further simplify my routine to give myself more of a flexible schedule..there’s much I can do right now to streamline.
How do I stop from worrying about the past and the future though?
The past is who I was, what I was, not who or what I AM. I love this quote I found, and I realize that by dropping the past right now at this instant doesn’t make it disappear. I can remember when and what I need, but dwelling on it unnecessarily is pointless. So I am choosing consciously right now to drop it. I’m not burying it, hiding it, or leaving it unresolved. I’m just done with it right now.
How can someone not worry about the future? That one is simple actually. Trust in God. That doesn’t mean slack off and expect God to fill out your daily planner for you in order to be more productive. Sitting down and setting all the goals for the week or maybe even the month takes less out of you than doing it constantly every day. I can skip the long term detailed plan. I can’t see right now how I will change the world. I know I will and I know I have to wait for God’s que on that one.
The other theme I see here? Being thankful. I love the idea of a gratitude jar! Easiest solution ever, being thankful.
So what I’m going to do today is start a gratitude jar, streamline the mental parts of me, and think over some of the current issues in my life and see if I can’t brainstorm some new solutions using my “new” freedom.