I’m pissed. Not drunk (that would be very good) but mad (this is very bad).
I don’t like never having any time for myself that I don’t have to feel guilty about spending. I don’t like that I don’t think Ken loves me for me -especially since we’re supposed to go get our marriage license tomorrow. I know I’m madder than I should be at today’s issue but I’m not sure how to solve the whole underlying problem.
Okay so according to that silly self discipline book the first thing I should do is list the problem. Then what else is the problem: I’m mad. That’s the problem. What else? I would rather be happy and joking. The air conditioner isn’t working at my house and instead of talking to me about it or believing I have the ability to fix it myself, Ken first suggested buying a new one then took over going out to diagnosing the issue. My house is a mess. I didn’t get and can’t get all the things I wanted to get done finished today. Again. I feel fat and lazy and like Ken only wants to marry me because I’m willing and able. Okay there are the reasons I’m angry right now.
Then the silly book says to list the solutions and that they’re always multiple. Okay.
Here goes…I can sit down and clearly tell him one more time that I do not believe that he is with me for me (not because he admires my looks, intelligence, faith, nothing like that). I can tell him in no unclear words that I believe this because the actions he does, like only listening to part of what I’m saying before interrupting or never having any specific reasoning when I ask him why it’s me he loves (he just says it’s because it feels so right instead of because I like your sense of humor, or you’re pretty, or you’re smart, or just…anything). After I tell him this yet again, I can tell him that since this is the way I see our relationship emotionally then things will have to change. We will have to set boundaries. I’m not going to get myself stuck living at his house after the marriage and be second forever. Yes it’s true that Ken is freaking awesome, skilled, and has a lot of talents. No that doesn’t mean that I’m stupid and just want to spend my time cleaning and planning and working on my physical appearance when I’m not at work. I’d have to let him know that since he has not answered any questions about our future like living situations, kids, retirement, etc..that he better not think I’m just going to fit myself neatly into wherever his undisclosed dreams include. In a relationship I don’t want to a man that stands in front of or behind me. This will only work with us side by side.
Okay so there is one solution. Hmm. Another?
I know I have too much on my plate. This constant overload combined with the doubt that Ken’s love for me isn’t personal makes me feel like a failure. I suppose that since it’s not like I’m ever able to complete my routine anyway then it wouldn’t be that hard to take everything but the basics off it. Streamline it if you will. With Ken? I’ve already had the talk I just described with him. More than once. So maybe it’s time to try a new approach. That we belong together is no question. This problem is unbearable to just live with though. I’m sure feeling like crap isn’t the emotion we’re trying to bring out in each other. So I’ve communicated the problem. The next step is to take action. He gets upset when I’m upset. I get upset when I have plans and he ruins them, I have expectations and he does the opposite, hopes and he dashes them because he doesn’t see what I want is different. So I could try living only in the present with him? I’d have to find out how to live in the present more successfully since it is very different from the planning and prepping approach I use now.
That one sounds harder but more likely to work. But since this brain storming is opening new options I’ll try to come up with one more possible solution.
I’m mad. I’m working on that. It gets better each year. I’ll keep working on that but it’s going to remain a factor in my life. With Ken, I can unseperate our day to day functions. We would of course keep spending nights together but it would probably be better if I pulled this vehicle in reverse and kept our lives separate enough that we can still be partners but not have to be quite so emotionally attached. Having my feelings riding on what he thinks of me and my actions or what he plans to do with his future isn’t working.
I think I’ll make a combination of two and three. I’ll minimize my routine, back myself up from this relationship as much as possible while still keeping it healthy, and learn to live in the present so I can go with the flow when plans change.
Gosh darn writing calms me down like magic. Going to get started on these changes and solve this issue now before we wed.
All I know for certain about my future at this very moment is that rain or shine, my surfboard and I will be in that ocean tomorrow.