Stomp

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I’m putting my foot down.  Right on whoever’s face gets in my way.  This is my life, and wether anyone else thinks I’m living it correctly is only their opinions.  My life is between me and God.  The things that have happened, are happening, and will happen are what he alone wills.  I’m not saying that I think I need to shut up and take it.  I’m saying that I need to shut up and listen so that I can do it right. 

I’m going to be the woman I’m supposed to be.  I guess I should figure out who that’s supposed to be though.  Is it unusual to be sure of the end game, the point of my life, my mission, and yet not have the slightest idea how to get from sitting my lazy grumpy bones here in my bed to changing the world?

I’ve tried mapping the steps from there back to here but they look so insurmountable that I never even try to get my foot up onto the first one. 

Tried mapping it forward month by month, year by year, daily, and weekly.  Short term plans work the best for me. 

I work on one change at a time to make them stick.  Changing all at once only ends in disaster for me (most of the time, cigarettes had to be cold turkey). 

I like many things about my current life: my pets, friends, family, house, cars, the financial stability of my job, my fiance, my ability to perform above the average at most basic life skills, my creativity, my mostly awesome physical condition, my gift of intelligence.  Thankfully on that last one God gave me enough but not too much!

I also dislike many things about my life: my horrible attitude, my lack of self discipline, my failure at time management, how I don’t present myself as the woman I want myself to be seen as, my inability to focus on the now. 

There’s a definate trend here.  I like my material and physical life.  I do not like my mental status.  Never realized that.  Huh!

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As I continue to write I feel like I’m getting somewhere and today I’m beyond excited to see where this post ends because I feel it will be life altering.  In a grand way. 

Work got better when I settled on a routine.  The routine changes daily but in ways that, while always unique, are easily incorporated.  So logically like I’ve already said I have to have a working routine for my out of work life.  So far I haven’t been able to find a system for that.  Flying by the seat of my pants doesn’t work.  Getting upset and stressed out doesn’t work.  Planning too far ahead doesn’t work. 

I keep getting told that I’m working too hard.  I believe that this used to be true but that lately I’ve lowered my hours at work and sleep more at home.  I’m so overwhelmed that I don’t want to do anything.  My friend said that all he’s ever seen me do is work my ass off to get to the next level and then instead of taking a moment to enjoy the new view, I continue to haul ass to the next level.  Thank you friend for the complement you spoke while rolling your eyes at my complaint of not feeling well today.  I have this person in my mind that I want to be.  Someone who starts each day with a healthy routine including exercise, food, meditation, prayer, news, and hygiene.  Someone who can then continue on to lead a productive day either at home or work.  Someone who can follow work with household chores, some social time, then more meditation and prayer.  Someone that sleeps well at night so she wakes rested each morning.

That’s a routine I can follow.  I believe the Sabbath is a day that God intends for us to put aside and respect.  I haven’t found anything in the bible saying specifically which day of the week it’s supposed to be so I think as long as it is one day of rest out of every seven, it’ll work.

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So say I can get myself into a routine like this, that would effectively take care of much of my worry..but what about the person I’m presenting to the world and my horrible attitude?

Kind,Wise,and Strong are not adjectives that describe me at all but they are what I want so something has to change here also.  I get angry in the drop of a hat.  I try to be one of those funny and laid back people.  I know the cliche of girls being crazy and pms yadayadayada but this is worse and it’s all month long.  I can’t find anything connecting the mood swings.  The Dr said that I got a good dose of both my parent’s bipolar mess’. Feels true except where’s my manic part?  All I feel is down or angry.  How does one deal with being crazy? 

I’m researching how to cope with bipolar right now.  I swear by my bottle of PMS Comfort for girl issues.  It’s the mood swings asset other times I have issues with. 

The first few tips I see are having a routine, keeping a mood journal until you know your triggers, and having a backup plan.  Being open about the disorder can allow people to help you cope.  Taking breaks before they become absolutely necessary is a habit that needs to be taken seriously.  Having healthy habits, particularly getting enough sleep and not drinking apparently effect these mood swings. 

I can work on all those thing if I include them within my daily routine.  I’ll have to talk to my sisters, fiance, and boss for help.  For a backup plan I have many friends and family I can call.  Writing here makes me feel better. I love to read.  Also, it makes me feel better to look at my motivational board on Pinterest. 

About presenting myself physically?  I think that’ll come around by itself also if I’m sticking to a routine.  I’m slowly rotating my wardrobe to an easier style and one that presents me as more laid back and yet more stylish.  Less bum and more beachy.  Teaching myself to apply makeup step by step.  Trying new hair styles. 

Today I’ll put together a light schedule for myself to follow.  I’ll start a mood journal.  I’ll talk to my family and friends about their support. 

Wish me luck, I hope I don’t break my foot stomping on bipolar and Crohn’s.

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One thought on “Stomp”

  1. Good luck. I have many of the same situations you do. I don’t work anymore and having a healthy routine is very difficult for me. hugs, lily

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