I don’t want to give up

Crohn’s should stand for Calm Response Or Have No Strength.

Yesterday’s response was anything but calm. 

I really don’t want to be a bitch.  Really.  I really want to be a light through which people can see the Lord’s goodness.

Truly the days where I find myself feeling like a psychotic freak are happening fewer and farther between but I can’t really find any common denominators between those days.  Are the head aches a cause or an effect there?  Sleep? 

I can take pms out of the equation at least (thankfully that’s not an every month occurrence anyway).  I can take out food, exercise, hygiene, social activity, drinking, how many hours I’m working, and wether the time leading up to my mood change has been good or bad.  None of that is consistent with my mood. 

The medicine I’m on definitely helps.

As always I can’t make it through a post without crazy stuff happening.  Honestly I just started yelling at my sisters about not wanting my own bridal shower because this whole wedding thing sucks.  Then I proceeded to call my older sister and cry over the phone to her about it all being a pain in my butt and wanting her here.

It’s later.  I’m home from my bridal shower.  It was beautiful.  I am loved and blessed. It couldn’t have been better in any way.  I love every trip to Sunny C Ranch.

But..

I’ve never wanted to give up so bad.  I have a wonderful life here.  I’m blessed.  I know this.  The last thing I want is to end up like my mom; alone with no friends, no husband but several times divorced, in bad health because of bad health choices.  I love my mom and want to help her but I sure as hell don’t want to be her.

I’m puzzled here because as much as I don’t want to follow in her footsteps, I feel like that’s where my moods are taking me.  Do I call her for advice?  My doctor?  Try to stick it out?

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