I think that my compass is broken.

Okay God.  Where to now?

I am frustrated.  oh man am I.

Ken and I cannot communicate as well as we should I don’t think.  I try not to get mad.  He tries to make me happy.  The biggest example is this wedding planning.  I’m so upset over the whole thing.  I don’t even want a wedding.  Seriously, all I wanted was the cake and he made that impossible for me.

I’m paying for the wedding, he’s paying for the honeymoon.  Fair.  The thing is…I repeatedly get into this wedding planning thing, I get excited about it, I start getting ideas and find myself pouring over Pinterest and bridal magazines for hours!  Then I’ll say something like last night, asking if we should have one big menu sign or individual labels for the different foods.  He laughed and said one big sign, it’s just a shrimp boil. 

What?!

I reminded him of all the sampler type foods I had shown him.  He said first he didn’t remember, then he didn’t think we had actually decided to do them, then it turned into he just considered appetizers not to be food.

Then he said we could have roast beef, ham, breads, and a big aluminum pan of macaroni set out. 
I don’t even know what to do at this point.  We can’t plan this wedding together and I don’t like the things he comes up with that are cheap and cheesy.  Of course he has some awesome ideas too but they’re drowned out when he informs me he’s making gold coins for people to treasure hunt. 

Is this a casual potluck? A child’s themed birthday party? 

This wedding is not what I want at all and the continued miscommunication between us gives me less and less hope for our future.  I don’t look forward to any of this or life after the wedding at all. 

Getting deeper into us; we have an ongoing disagreement wether he is with me for me or just because he’s fifty and wants to be married and I happen to love him.  The lack of satisfaction in bed only deepens my doubts. 

I’m not backing out of this, but I am SERIOUSLY frustrated, disappointed, confused, scared, hopeless…

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