The 18th Change

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Yesterday sucked.

No question.

Today will start a new day, and it will arrive with me being determined to live each day.  Not for the next day or because of the day before, but simply for this day.  I want to do God’s will. 

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So I’ll keep my lists of goals and to-dos but I’ll just get to them as I get to them.  Wether I want to get all these things done or not is not even a question; the question is only what can I get done?  Living with God’s will being my primary focus puts everything in perspective.  I’m a Christian first and foremost.  After that, I will be what I can.  God put every detail in my life that’s here and I intend to appreciate them from here on out.

I had quite the rude awakening yesterday in the middle of writing that post.  I know Ken doesn’t intend to make me feel used to make this wedding into what he’s Always wanted.  He has an idea about the wedding of his dreams but he’s either trying to hold it in to make sure I get what I as the bride want, or he really doesn’t know that the thoughts and opinions in his head are things he really wants.  Either way I’m unable to force ideas out of him.   I’m super stressed about the wedding.  That’s a given.  I am having a hard time believing that I’m going to have all these preparations completed on time and I don’t feel like there’s anyone I can really delegate to.  The whole saying about if you want it done right you’ve got to do it yourself is one I’ve found to be true way too often in life.  I mailed the maid of honor shells to decorate, our color theme (blues, purples, and greys), and a gift card to buy the supplies.  That didn’t work out.  She painted them all sorts of colors.  I went through a list of things I need Ken to take care of and don’t see any of them getting done while other projects are appearing and being completed at his hands.  I’m very concerned that not only will I end up with my impossible seeming list but also those things that he agreed to assist with like arranging the officiant and making the arch.  I’m not sure how a Godly woman is supposed to handle this?  Just lay my lists at God’s feet and pray?  I can do that.  I have the faith in him getting it done so I guess that’s my only choice when stuck between leaving it in God’s hands and keeping it gripped in my hands.

That decision takes a load off!

The other thing that happened was when Scott, my BFF, my bestie (as his mom says), dropped the bomb about his cat.  I’m still shocked.  I feel like he’s someone I don’t know.  That’s something his mom would do, not him!  Animals rely on their people through good times and bad.  He just gave up and from what he said didn’t even make an effort.  I want so badly to truly believe he would never do that, or to go along with Ken’s thoughts that hey, how many years now have we lived so far apart?  People change.  The more I think and consider though, the more I think that may not be true.  Sure he stayed in Illinois when I moved down here to Florida 6 years ago and we’ve seen each other only half a dozen times.  I don’t think someone could change that drastically though unless something equally as drastic occurred to him.  So was he always like that and I just kept turning a blind eye to that side of him?  Or did the seizures that he started having last year somehow shift his mindset?  I’m afraid it was the former but I hate to admit it. 

I can tell how much I’ve changed in myself the last year or so just in my reaction at the time.  I didn’t cuss at him, I didn’t try to make him feel the guilt I thought he should, nothing like that at all.  I just stopped texting back for the night and had a good cry.  That left me with an open door.  This doesn’t seem fair.  Scott has no religious beliefs that I’ve ever heard him mention.  So in trying to live with God’s will…what am I supposed to do in this situation?!

I step back and observe the situation with an open mind first.  The problem is that I don’t want Scott to be a bad person.  I want him to be a guy with good morals and strong faith.  I don’t want to loose this close friendship either. 

I can pray.  I can be a shining example in his life of how a Godly woman can be.  I can encourage him when he makes good decisions and gently discourage ungodly actions. Ultimately it’s up to God where his life leads but I hope that I can remain a stable, positive part of it. 

Knowing that I can do something good helps.  Even if it seems little and not sure to work, it’s an opportunity where there was but a hole before.  God willing, we can turn this man back onto the right path. 

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Living with the intention of doing so with God’s will is like suddenly having a map where you were lost before. 

The 18th change I’m making is to live each day mindfully, with full intention, following God’s will.

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