The 15Th Change

I sat and wrote and thought and considered and prayed for hours.  I think I found all my memories that needed to be gone back through with Jesus. 

The end result is that I’ve made a lot of bad decisions, sinned even more, other people have massively wronged me, and there was way too much in my past to keep covered and buried.  I need that burying ground now to plant the seeds of my future.

I thought long and hard about my step father and all the ways he has wronged me, my sisters, mother,grandma.  How he has a strong faith but still manages to do so many wrongs.  I don’t understand it. 

I remembered losing my dad and the confusion that still surrounds my family.  Was my grandma Gracia’s husband my real grandfather like my aunts and uncles seem to think or was my mom’s version of his real father being long gone the truth?  Who was that man in the picture marrying my mom that wasn’t my dad or step dad?  So many questions still there.

The point I’m trying to make here right now is not that all this searching through and inviting Jesus into my whitespaces has left me even more confusing and stressed.  It’s that taking the time to make a list of things that I know I’ve buried and then going back and uncovering each hole one by one has actually done me good.  As I spent the time carefully lifting each piece out of each hole and examining it with new eyes, each problem memory clarified itself. 

No all my stress isn’t magically gone and my past isn’t suddenly a happier place BUT the chance for me to have Jesus here with me to fully understand what I was looking at changed my perspective.

All those bad decisions and sins are Forgiven.  Mine and others.  That’s all I have to know and believe now I can move on.  I don’t need to forget my past, none of it.  I do need to learn from it and what I’ve noticed most is that where the biggest issues were I was praying the least. 

Even more amazing I was pondering while driving a minute ago about my relationship with Ken.  I’m frustrated that he can’t seem to open up and discuss clearly topics like money and our future.  Prayed.  Came to the realization that no matter what way this could go in the future I already have every single thing I have ever wanted.  So why was I worried about the future?

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